Friday, October 11, 2013

Control......and an unexpected Blessing.

I'm a control freak. 
I KNOW....most of you are SHOCKED right now. ha!

I like thinking, as least, that I have some sort of control of my life and that of my family.
Funny thing is....I KNOW BETTER, but still want to feel/think that I do.

I do know that I can control me.  My words, my actions, my responses.
That's it.  Just me.  That's it.  (Had to say it twice for good measure).

I have ZERO control over ALL the REST!!!
And "All the Rest" is a know, little things like my children, my husband, my parents, my siblings, my boss, my co-workers, my friends, my neighbors, the people driving to work at the same time as me, the weather, the reactions/responses of others, the crap people don't do, etc etc etc.  You know...ALL THE REST!  All the rest that is the oh, I don't entire life, being, existence.

Every single day (YES....Every single day!), I chant/quote/think/ponder these sayings to help counter my 'control' issues:
1. Give it ALL to God and Let Him take care of it.
2. Worry about Nothing...Pray about Everything.
3. Let Go and Let God
4. And lots of other little sarcastic comments, usually littered with some curse words.

It's hard to let it all go for me.
Really it is.
I like knowing.  I like having a plan.  I like having a schedule.
You all know that's not how it goes.

Over the past few months, I've struggled with this a bit more than likely ever before in my life.
There has been plenty of 'stuff' that has transpired that I feel I have had little control over.  I could only control my reaction.  It's been hard.
I have felt wronged, disappointed, SHOCKED, sad, humbled, and honestly PUT IN MY PLACE.
I know who PUT ME IN MY PLACE.
And I deserved it.
But it's still difficult.

Over the past months, I felt that I had some control and direction over my life, over my career, over...well, a lot of things.
God had different plans:
Pretty stinking cute already, right??!?!?!

Ok...I'm not stupid...I KNOW where babies come from (the stork, right?).
So yes...I know I had some control over that.
BUT....this little miracle was a bit of a surprise for this momma.  A beautiful, joyous blessing....but still with some good ole shock value attached.

God needed to 'shake me up' a bit.
Guess I hadn't been listening so well.  He knew THIS was big enough to stop me in my tracks.  Probably close to the only thing that would have.

So over the past few months I've had to wrap my head around this all.  This little miracle baby has made me stop and think.  Rethink my career path.  Rethink my relationships, both personal and at work.  Rethink my parenting skills (or lack thereof) and decisions.  Really....rethink it all!
That's been overwhelming to me emotionally and spiritually.  Then add the physical demand of growing a baby and I'm wiped out.

So you all have probably noticed it.
Noticed my total absence from my blog.  My absence from phone calls and get togethers.  The absence of my mind and memory. I've withdrawn a lot.

Please bear with me.  Please pray for me (or actually pray more for my husband and my kids).

Control's a silly thing.
I'm just continuing to learn to let Go and TRUST IN HIM!


Shellie said...

Well said my beautiful friend! You are amazing and you really need to give yourself more credit for all you do, for all the time and energy you give to others, and for all the crazy people like me that you have to put up with! :o)

Jamie said...

Everything happens for a reason, right? You might not understand the reason at the moment and that's okay. You'll find it out someday, when you least expect it, you will. And when that moment occurs, your heart will swell and a smile will come to your face, because everything happens for a reason. Chin up, you just made it through the first trimester! :)